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it lingers

by fromjoy

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1.
GhostTape10 00:43
2.
There's a poor little bastard, who sits in his filth cluttered room and thinks "Am I a step in God's plan or a pawn in the Devil's game?" A bastard son, cursed to wake and see the light of another day It's humiliating to breathe in this skin Wiping the sleep from his eyes, disappointed that he's still breathing Surrender the virus from his head that eats him up like syphilis He was happy for one hour until his mother told him he was dreaming He says "I will leave the world the same way I came in, like an accident" Stare into the dismorphic mirror, only to see it really wasn't him So they Traumatized him with scripture, believing it would make him clean Dream, a man with a big head and ugly face much like himself tells him "son you're only dreaming so wake up, it isn't really me" Tearing away, punch, kick, and scream "No clarity, for I, my thoughts will murder me" There's a tomb stone that shares his last name, the man sleeping there was always screaming His genetic makeup consists of mistakes, lying, and self-pity He had another dream that night His eyes closed and he woke up in the same room where it happened That same wooden table, that same ash tray, that same father, the same 9mm He witnessed art in the making A sullen face, a bullet, and a wall for the canvas A blood splatter, like a symmetrical ink blot It's like looking into a mirror of my future he thought
3.
The controlling grip that it has on my body leaving it's mark on my skin Making sure that I will never forget the guilt, the shame, the sin It's like a vacuum hurricane, tearing me apart and sucking out my brain No way to fix this, so I wallow in doubt and let the clouds form and rain The shackles to substance fuels our primordial sustenance Forget the memory, destroy the trauma just to let it regain relevance It pricks my skin (the unforgiving guilt) I wish I could've prevented everything, age and weakness stopped me Now my worst fears, and toxins in my veins, is turning me into something I don't want to be Relapse, memory banks close, lose control I now only feel comfortable with the bottle and the smoke Angels ashes, crystal ice, cold snow, blood shot eyes I remember the needle and flower on your arm when I said "please don't close your eyes" Fuck.....
4.
I remember the bathroom light and a body barricading the door The ending of one's innocence, running down like tears hitting the floor Where do we draw the line between power and lust? Because of you I feel weak and everyone has lost my trust I will never be the same after the violation, I was left in disarray You prowled on me like a lion waiting to bathe itself in flesh One decade has passed but the memory is still too fresh Was this the moment that started it all? The edge I stood on for so long The moment before the jump No catch before the fall The forgiveness only lifted the burden for so long And when I had it in my hands it anchored me under water, I knew it was over Her hand, golden and aged, pulled me to shore Lifted the weight off of my back, mended together, then it climbed back on my shoulders I lost my grip and my mind, trying to come to terms with what happened that night Things would be much easier if I was fucking blind
5.
No Skin 01:44
Blank faces and blank stares, as they peer through the window glass Flipping through the papers of the note I left Square breathing, hoping for solace, all I heard was laughs The sound of doubt crept up, so I broke my neck to watch my back Fuck Dropping caps of death to numb the sound. It had a leash on my neck to keep me grounded Baptized by freaks, I'm fucking drowning I shed my skin and waste my words All I've done is tear myself apart, just to keep it the fuck together It only gets worse. I only see
6.
No Light 02:01
The sun's benevolence begins to set Melancholy anchored on my chest Your gaze, soft touch, I'm deprived of gentleness It helps me sleep, but I never rest Dark eyed Donna, I mistook you for a friend Tunnel vision with no light at the end
7.
No Mouth 01:13
I fight, weak (weak) I scream, (scream) melody Repressed (let him die) Make it stop (stop) Bleeding (bleeding) thoughts I'm suppressed (here) I think I'm dead I have no mouth and I must scream Extract, routed for use, torment, release me, because I'm fucking dead
8.
Trouble shoot, re-boot, break through, the terminal is feeling Cut deep, let it feel, seep out, it's capable of bleeding Therapy, coping, rehabilitate, re-route It's giving up, servers shut down, it's bleeding out I can sleep but I never rest Every step I take feels like I'm walking on broken glass (I'm done) wasting my breath and shedding skin (I'm done) repeating myself again Ive been trying to get my point across but you always miss it I can't tell if you're full of yourself or if you're just full of shit I don't hate you Don't make me hate you I want to hate you You're making me hate you I can't see you, I see right through you, if I had no heart I'd fucking kill you, bitch I'm sick of all of you, I'll make you sick of me I have no mouth but I'm going to scream I won't give you the gift of hating you, but my forgiveness is out of date I was the open letter when you sealed your fate You look like a deer caught in the headlights of my car, driven by fear, you'll end up on my plate

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released July 16, 2021

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fromjoy Houston, Texas

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it lingers

the sound of doubt

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